I will come back!

The ease of Tumblr and a takeover of year 12 has meant I haven't had a chance to mull stuff out on this here blog. HOWEVER once year 12 finishes up I'm hoping to get back into my musings.

Watch this space I will be back!

In the meantime if you are interested; http://irishspud.tumblr.com/

Fall for them if you want

The littlest things make me float with joy.




"I think I miss being in love, there an aspect, a part of me that isn't quite the same as it used to be. I miss the closeness that you can only ever feel with a single person at any one time. I don't believe that there is only one love for all of us out there I think that you can fall in love with anyone at any time, whether you've known them for a long time or just met them recently. Whether the are one of your best friends, an old friend, or someone you talked to for five minutes. Never rule out the possibility of falling for someone, its one of the most exhilarating things you can do during your life. Love is about trust, trusting someone absolutely with your entire life and no matter who that person is it will always be a gamble. Thank you for reminding me of that."

Ok so I've been saying for a little while that I wanted to expand on that point that I made a little while back. This time in my life seems like a really good time to do it.

Love is a lost art in my opinion. The hopeless romantics a dying breed. Love letters a thing of the past. Turning up at someone's door with a bunch of flowers and some puppy dog eyes would get you nothing but grief these days. Ok maybe its not such a bad thing that last one is gone but DAMN it sounds like a good idea, I'll have to remember it for later use.

So that last paragraph was probably a little harsh on society, romance definitely still exists its just a little more hard to come by then back in the days when one had to "court" a potential love. I've started with all this because I miss the little things that you get in a relationship, sure the physical aspect is missed a fair bit but there's something a bit more important then that. Every little action you do to tell that person that you love them is important, whether its a small motion that leads to awkwardly wrapping your legs together or a big gesture like turning up at their door with flowers and puppy dog eyes. These little gestures are what I miss more then anything else. The reason why they are what I miss is because every one of them tells the other person more then you could ever say with words. Wrapping your legs around each other could be saying " I don't ever want us not to be connected even if it means these awkward positions." The flowers and the puppy dog eyes could say " I missed you and you're worth this." However these are just speculation because these actions have an infinite amount of possible meanings. The people who do these little things and are open about how much they wanted to do it, these are the hopeless romantics I'm talking about. I think I'm forgetting to be one of them, I'm going to work on remembering that part of me, because I liked it.

Trust is one of those little things that is actually a huge thing, no one ever mentions trust when they are talking about falling in love with someone but isn't that all it is? Just that one step more towards one of the people you trust more then anyone? One of those people who you would put everything on the line for just because you couldn't envisage not trusting them? Isn't falling in love just the next step along?

SO while I know at the moment I should be having some "Barney Time" (How I Met Your Mother) I find it difficult to be that guy who just picks up random girls. Is that weird? Do I fail as a teenage boy if the only people I want to be with are ones I actually care about? However, despite this view, slaps are still on.

I've told a few people recently that love is like gambling and I really enjoy the comparison. Sure the odds are huge and the amount that could go wrong is massive but dammit I'm willing to play the hand life dealt me with a few risks, what would be the fun otherwise? So yea, its a gamble, but if it pays off then you've won a jackpot. So, do you feel lucky?


Expansion complete.

Cleaning your room is dangerous

You might find something you really don't want to.


I honestly thought I really was over all this shit but now I find myself spiralling out of control over one little totem? Damn it why are you not angrier at me? It would make it easier and I could understand it! What I did will haunt me for a very long time.

I'm sorry to all those I ever hurt.

Dear metro...sigh. On a brighter note thank you train blackouts

What probably should have been a really awful day turned out to be one of the most interesting I've had in a while! Rolling train blackouts meant that I ended up hitch hiking part of the way to school, a surprisingly enjoyable experience.

Things I learnt from Hitch Hiking:
1. Everyone who agrees to pick you up in a car is not going to kidnap and kill you.
2. People are actually very nice despite the opinions some may have of the general community.
3. Flattery is a fantastic tool.
4. Hitch Hiking makes a great story.
5. I've found how I'm going to get around Europe.
And a small add on that wasn't actually directly learnt from the hitch hiking but was related to this particular day.
6. V-Line trains are really quite comfortable.

Other things that i have recently learnt
1. This looks hilarious;


2. above video is fake :(

3. I should stop putting myself down every time I make a small mistake.

4. There are certain people who are just really not my friends, but its better to continue acting friendly towards them as it avoids unnecessary conflict.

5. That some conflicts are just unnecessary!

6. I think I miss being in love, there an aspect, a part of me that isn't quite the same as it used to be. I miss the closeness that you can only ever feel with a single person at any one time. I don't believe that there is only one love for all of us out there I think that you can fall in love with anyone at any time, whether you've known them for a long time or just met them recently. Whether the are one of your best friends, an old friend, or someone you talked to for five minutes. Never rule out the possibility of falling for someone, its one of the most exhilarating things you can do during your life. Love is about trust, trusting someone absolutely with your entire life and no matter who that person is it will always be a gamble. Thank you for reminding me of that.

7. In regards to the previous point, those I have discussed it with are still to slap me for the reasons we discussed.


That's all for now folks. I've taken the pictures out of my blogging as I didn't think they were adding much to it. Let me know what you think.

Is this how we learn?

What was I meant to do? Don't leave them alone...Is shock that powerful? And is it really that helpful to stay close to someone who still not going to talk to you anyway?


Don't get me wrong I don't have a bad relationship with any member of my family. I love each and every one of them! They are my family and the only people who are constantly stuck with me. But that doesn't mean I'm necessarily ACTUALLY close to them! Especially my dad, I'm not close with my dad and quite frankly that's upsetting, but I came to terms with that suck a long time ago!


So what does this mean? When someone who is this close to you, but not close at all, suffers; what can you do? How much can you help?


These last two weeks have been wonderful! I've grown so close to the people who really matter and care about me! I don't know what I've ever done to deserve the care that these wonderful people all give me. I just hope I don't screw it up. Most importantly about these last two weeks they've helped dispel the feelings that I am a horrible person. MY faith in myself has grown again and that person that I really like is continuing to emerge, more and more with every day. Thank you, once again to those people who care about me, I will always strive to show that same care and compassion for you.




And now this, I made a poor decision, I didn't stick by someone who needed it. This does not bother me as much as it probably should, because the person who made the decision to leave is the person I am rapidly shedding. I won't ever make that mistake again. To be there, for those who need you to be, that is the most important thing.






Is it bad that I, more then occasionally, place my friends above my family? Looking back, in wonderful hindsight, I realise that if it had been someone else, say A or C or A (I hope they know who they are), I would've stuck by them. I would've cancelled everything to ensure their well-being. Am I so accustomed to my father that I just don't think that he can hurt? Or that he can need my help?


My family are important to me, but I exist happily independent of them. Is that even possible? They are a huge part of my life but I could survive if anything caused me to be away from them. If I had realised this at an earlier time in my life i would've have been upset about it. For now I can only accept it, this is a relationship that is set and I will live with it.

I will do better next time. No matter who it is.

You're too old! You wouldn't understand.

I'm not the stupid one (but why not?). I'm not the impulsive one (but definitely would enjoy that). I am possibly the drinking one...but not the one who lets it control him. I'm the "mature one." The "King of Long Term relationships" (that's a direct quote). The hopeless romantic (or I try to be). But why can't I be the stupid one? The immature teenager, the one who sings along to his favourite musical even though there are people around who have never met him before!



The problem is though that when I think about being those things I don't necessarily like them...is it possible to sometimes be all those stupid things but still be the same sensible fun person I really want to be? Well the other night with the help of some of the most awesome people ever I think I succeeded. Actually I think we all succeeded.


First of all; You are amazing, you stick by me no matter what! For some reason, i don't even know why, i trust you more then anyone around me. You laugh at my ridiculous behaviour and you make me feel important. If I ever get annoyed at you, which I'm sorry to say has happened before, it isn't long before I'm kicking myself stupid for ever thinking negatively of you. I give you full permission if I'm ever being stupid or silly, as I was a little earlier this year, for you to hit me and tell me. I will always be your loyal wingman! What I'm basically trying to say is that I will always stick by you! I know things sometimes seem like they aren't going your way but no matter what's happening in your life I'll always metaphorically kick you in the backside towards the cute boy at the party and listen to everything you have to say!


AND YOU! You you wonderful girl! The one person in this country I've been friends with longer then anyone. To you I have 1 question, Why aren't we better friends? I love it when we reminisce, all our little stories that only ever make sense to each other! Times I spend with you are filled with smiles and laughter, I'm definitely making sure that we become closer! I don't have enough to say about you and that sucks greatly.



I want to jump over the fire!



That sums up how I want to live at this moment in my life! Adrenaline rushes and stupid choices because yes, I'm "too young to understand." But your too old to remember! And while that sounds silly we really need to think about it, you might give advice to the 7 year old who is acting stupid but can you REALLY remember what it was like to be 7? Running down the hill at top speed even though you may well die if you loose your footing even once was FUN! And that's it, you may not remember but our stupid decisions are fun! Occasionally we might even learn for them and then in 30 years we can say "Your too young to understand," in fact I'll definitely say it!



Monday night was fun, but it wouldn't have been without the wonderful friends I went with. Thank you for sticking by me! Your amazing, and 1 of you owes me now so don't you forget!


Basically acting stupid is helping me through tough times in my life and I don't see anything wrong with that. But as soon as I start acting stupid and I'm not me any more then I'll have something to worry about.



Also I reckon I made a good pillow!

Headspaces, I don't understand them and how they change my life.

The person writing this blog is not the same person that he was 6 months ago. If someone was to ask me who I was i'd feel obliged to quote "I don't know yet, I'm still cooking" (Doctor Who The Eleventh Hour).

Don't get me wrong, I've known I was changing for most of the year and quite frankly I've been embracing it with open arms! The useless, lost, lacklustre and boring person I was is evolving into the person I think inside I have always been. A teacher, who's opinion I really care about told me that they were proud of me because "I no longer get angry at stupid people."

Boy do I still get angry at stupid people! There is nothing that really drives me up the wall then someone pointing out the blatantly obvious and then saying something about it that is completely wrong! But I'm beginning to understand that in order to maintain order and peace in my life I have to sometimes accept that.

As such I'm going slightly mad, a state of conciousness that I'm actually enjoying. This madness has changed my life, in many good ways and one really really bad way.


The unfortunate thing about change is when things don't change with you,my changes have made me lose my feelings for someone very close to me and i had to make the decision to do what I thought was right by me.
Why do I feel like a monster? Simple answer is because what I did was monstrous. Even if I was making a correct decision for myself how could i knowingly cause so much pain to someone I knew it would hurt?


This was the first big change that my new outlook on life has brought about and frankly after it I'm finding it damn difficult to even like myself now let alone love myself.

I love those friends who never give up on me.
You make me feel special and are all I need.
I will learn to enjoy the person I am becoming as soon as I've finished cooking, for now I sign out a monster.